


St. Ryukishi’s Hospital for the mentally ill- a crackfic

by LJs_Nuclear_Idiocies



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: A lot of characters are here, EVERYONE is here - Freeform, Gen, Mental Hospital, Sort of a shitpost, Trolling, Warning for immense stupidity, based off of a very bizarre dream I had, crackfic, fourth wall?, honestly I don't know what to put here, lots of trolling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 11:17:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15242196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJs_Nuclear_Idiocies/pseuds/LJs_Nuclear_Idiocies
Summary: In a world which is definitely not abiding by the laws of canon, Battler is sent to St. Ryukishi's Hospital for the mentally ill, an institution mainly run by children, demons and generally anyone who doesn't have a shred of sanity. Will he be able to survive this madness, or will he succumb to the hell that is this hospital?





	St. Ryukishi’s Hospital for the mentally ill- a crackfic

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. This is my first fanfic. Ever. If it's going to be boring and badly written as hell, you know why. So yeah, I would greatly appreciate it if you, dear reader, would address some issues you had with this chapter, and comment them! I strive to become a better writer, and I am sure that your criticism would help me a lot. 
> 
> Now then, enjoy the first chapter of the insanity that will be this retelling of one of my recent, rather bizarre and long dreams. I hope you have a good time!

**_St. Ryukishi’s Hospital for the mentally ill_ **

 

Battler Ushiromiya stared at the large institution with a mix of awe and horror. So, this was the infamous mental hospital known for its rather… unique ways of treating their patients. And the moment he had stepped in front of it, he knew that he was in for something that he would remember for the rest of his life, but not for the best reasons.

His sister, Ange Ushiromiya stood besides him, lecturing Battler endlessly. “If you hadn't started a relationship with this maniac, you wouldn't have been sent here!”

He shuddered at the memory of Kyrie shoving a suitcase in his face and giving him a smile that definitely said “if you resist, I will murder you”.

 

As he had his flashback, Ange huffed. Seriously. Her brother was such an idiot! Who would even willingly date that stupid cow Beatrice? And now he had to stay at this hospital for what could be weeks! What should she do without her beloved brother, the only person in her life that actually cared about her? Well, except Maria. And Mammon. And the other sisters. Aaand the rest of the cousins as well. Oh, and Shannon was always worried about her. Actually, a lot of people cared about her… b-but that’s besides the point! She only needed her brother!

“Ange, I can hear you. You’re thinking aloud again.”

Just as Battler said these words, he got a bag filled with additional essentials he would need smashed into his guts.

“Well, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME HERE! I-IDIOT!”

She stomped off angrily, probably already planning another assassination attempt with Juuza in order to kill Beatrice. What she didn't know was that murdering that woman was going to be a little more difficult as she thought.

 

Because…

Beatrice worked in St. Ryukishi! **Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn!**

 

Of course, Battler knew that. He giggled, knowing that he would be able to see Beatrice anyway, regardless of what the old bastard and Kyrie would do. Plus, he knew they only looked for an excuse to use him as a “test subject” (sometimes he really questioned his parents’ ability to make sense) for the newest patch of interns and employees, which mainly consisted out of the Ushiromiyas and their associates.

Since the hospital actually was owned by Battler’s grandfather, Kinzo, an absolute madman with the tendency to randomly yell about his oh-so loved “BEATORICHE” (huh, the Ushiromiya family really does have a history with italian women called Beatrice), a majority of the Ushiromiya family either worked or recommend employees here.

With the happy thought of seeing at least some familiar faces, Battler bravely stepped into the hospital.

 

The first thing to greet him inside was the sight of two people posing together, with applause and various other audience noises coming from…. somewhere.

“Oh, the miracle of love!”

“Put before such a trial!”

“Will they manage to grow closer..” 

“Even when the obstacles of therapy are between them?”

 “Oh, but of course!”

“As such is the nature to overcome any hardship of the miracle called love!”

“Yes, love!” 

The moment Battler actually looked at the two figures standing in front of him, something became very clear to him. One of these two, despite looking _very much_ like a female, definitely had a male voice. In fact, the one with the blue hair seemed to be the male one. Battler stepped back a bit, his flight-or-fight instincts kicking in (you don't get greeted by weird, posing, overdramatic and ranting people every day, after all). His mind chose the far more logical solution- run.

But as soon as he turned to the door, a red and blue light appeared and spanned over the door, effectively preventing him from exiting this hellhole.

“Oh, one cannot escape love!” 

“Even if you try, it’ll get you eventually!”

He faced the two _demons_ , readying his fists. “Leave me alone and I won't have to use these!”

“Oooh, do you hear that, Fufur?”

“What do I hear, Zepar?”

“He wants to fight for love!”

“Oooh, such beautiful dedication! This truly must be love!”

“Yes, it truly must be!”

Battler, completely confused by these two, resorted to further threatening them.

“I don’t discriminate between men or women! I’ll punch whoever gets in my way! Bring it!" 

Just as he raised his fists, ready to punch, the two seemed to spot something in the hallway and… dissolved into butterflies? Whatever.

 

“I am terribly SORRY. These two always bother new PATIENTS.”

The voice came from the hallway that those weird two seemed to have spotted something in before they poofed. Standing there was a small girl with lavender colored curly hair and glasses.

“Battler Ushiromiya, CORRECT? Follow ME.”

 Without even looking if Battler would follow her, she turned around and marched down the hallway. He hurried after her, quickly catching up due to his big legs covering distances at a fast pace. “So, who are you?”

 “My name is Dlanor A. Knox, first class priest, executioner, and therapy MANAGER. Pleased to meet you, Battler USHIROMIYA.”

“Uh. Nice to meet you as well. I have a question though?”

 Dlanor stopped, looking up to Battler.

“And that would BE?”

“Why do you capitalize every last word?”

“Oh, THAT. I am a fictional character and was written this way to appear as more unique and different from the rest of Umineko’s CAST.” 

Battler nodded, pretending to understand what she just said. What is up with these people here?

“Here we ARE.”

 

They stood in front of an office with a sign spelling: “ **Dlanor A. Knox, Therapy Management and representative of the GCoH** ”

She stepped inside, gesturing Battler to come in. He did as he was asked and sat down on the chair in front of the desk standing in the office. Dlanor took her seat behind the desk, taking a sip of what was _definitely_ hot chocolate and looking at a clipboard.

“So, you were sent here for treatment of the aftereffects of a ‘toxic/abusive relationship’, is that RIGHT?”

“Uh, yeah. Mainly because my parents can't stand my girlfriend and sent me here just because they wanted to be petty.”

“And who might that girlfriend BE? Chances are I know her, if she has contact with any faction of the Sea of FRAGMENTS.”

“Her name is Beatrice.”

She frowned.

“Of COURSE. The Golden Witch is known for not being very liked by your FAMILY. I assume your parents just want you to suffer under our new employees and INTERNS? Rudolf-san and Kyrie-san can be very… SPITEFUL.”

He rubbed his neck, chuckling in embarrassment.

“Yeah, something like that.” 

“Is it alright if I sign you up to the corresponding therapies REGARDLESS? I don’t think I can do anything to stop your parents from getting their WILL.”

He sighed. “Sure, sure. Let’s just make it quick.”

She quickly scribbled something on her clipboard, then handed him a map of the building and a list of therapies he had to attend to and where and when they took place.

“Your first session will be with Miss Erika FURUDO. She is just at the other end of the HALLWAY. I’ll inform her that you are COMING. GERTRUDE?”

In an instant, a woman materialized in the office. Battler, caught off guard, almost fell from his chair. 

“Let it be known that I am here.” 

“Would you mind telling Miss Erika that Battler is coming to HER?”

“Please, allow me to speak. The task will be done in the bat of an eye.”

She bowed before she disappeared once again, only to return within a few seconds.

“Let it be known that I have done my assignment. I will return to my office now.”

“Thank you, GERTRUDE. Battler, please go to Miss Erika’s office.”

He shook off the shock from watching this woman, Gertrude, teleport several times in and out of the room, then got up and waved at Dlanor and Gertrude.

“Okay. Thank you!”

 

He left the office, not bothering to watch Gertrude disappear. As he walked to the end of the hallway, he thought:

_“Hey, now that wasn’t_ too _bad! I thought this was gonna be worse than Beato’s tea parties, but it’s only like actual hell! I can handle that.”_

Ah, foolish Battler. If he only he knew what horrors would await him in Furudo Erika’s office.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hoped you enjoyed yourself! While I am aware that this chapter is rather short, I still need to get a little used to ao3 and multi-chapter writing in general.  
> My thanks to the almighty Nedben, who read through the chapter before giving me the thumbs up I needed before I could release this! 
> 
> Until next time, dear reader!


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